For months and even years a popular male cable news network celebrity was accused of sexual harassment by numerous female co-workers. The male celebrity was eventually fired from the network that paid out millions of dollars to the co-workers (and to the fired celebrity).
A powerful up and coming congressman was forced to resign when it was discovered he was sexting unsolicited women and minors photos of his genitalia. In another case, the governor of New York, known as the sheriff of Wall Street and the infamous Client 9 in Alex Gibney’s 2010 documentary “Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer” was hiring escorts. When his political enemies found out and leaked the story to the press he was forced to resign in disgrace.
This list of the famous (i.e., Jared Fogle, Subway spokesperson; Bill Cosby, actor, and paragon of family values; and Penn State university coach Jerry Sandusky) are not even close to being the tip of the iceberg when listing the number of men and women (e.g., school teachers having sex with their underage students) for whom sex is a means to regulate rage toward the gender they feel rage.
When a prat boy sexually assaults an intoxicated unconscious party member he is partly acting out his angry beliefs embedded in his arousal template. His self-talk is about deserving the sex because he is so misunderstood and “she deserves it” because she is so bad.
Because erotic rage is a largely an unconscious feeling, the untrained therapist often overlooks it. Seldom does the client or his/her significant other recognize it because it is rarely apparent and excused as sexual openness or a high sex drive. The partner may have some nagging feelings that intimacy seems to be missing. Remember that for anger to be erotic it does not have to be pleasurable. The conquest is often the goal; and while anger and sex are combined, pleasure is not.
Some signs of eroticized rage include:
- Watching or touching a person who is sleeping or incapacitated
- Using binoculars to watch people
- Hiding in secret places to watch or listen to people
- Touching people and then acting like it was an accident
- Using online voyeur websites
- Going into another’s apartment for underwear
- Making inappropriate sexual advances or gestures toward other persons
- Finding sex partners over whom you have control or more power
- Revenge sex
Please do not confuse eroticized rage with passionate intimate love making between consenting adults. Healthy, intimate lovemaking is consensual, reciprocal, fun, spiritual, relies on self-love and self-nurturance.
If you or a loved one are wondering if erotized rage is effecting your love life please feel free to call Avalon Counseling (208) 366-5053 for a thorough evaluation or speak to your therapist.